Barbershop Pimpin’: The Real Threat to Obama’s Campaign

So, for the first time in American history, a Black man has clinched the Democratic nomination.  This has led to a lot of speculation across the nation and the world in general (as most people believe there is no way McCain can win).  Right now, Barry is a rock star and about to join the pantheon of African American patron saints, right next to the last inductee, Tiger Woods (Cablanasian my black ass).  Most people think he will be assassinated in office.  However, I think somethng a little more insidious may sabotage Barack.

I think scattered ass has the potential of f’ing this thing all up.  Real talk, he is a Harvard grad and a lawyer.  Reason enough to get strange ass.  Then he is a Senator, and we know how much ass Senators get.  He is a tall, well-groomed black man (no homo).  But now he may be the Leader of The Free World.  He is arguably the most charismatic democratic candidate since the Kennedys.  Chicks are writing songs about this man, J.Lo and Scarlett Johanssen are his groupies. 

Mr. Obama, if I had your hand, I would cut mine off.

We know that you can look like Lil’ Wayne and still catch mad “ho’s” if you have a.) Power, b.) Money c.) Swag d.) Some combination of all of the above.  In all actuality, Mr. Obama falls into category d.  White girls love him because of A and B and minorities because of C.  This all adds up to more “bus down” access than Wild Billy Clint had.  And I don’t know about you, but you gotta be from another galaxy to turn down all that poon or gay (even Dr. King could not say “no” to that “Snappy, Nappy Dugout”, word to Sam Jackson in Juice).  And we know Mr. Obama is neither. 

Black men are especially susceptible to this because we suffer from chronic unemployment and systematic disenfranchisement, lower pay, lower life expectancy and a litany of other social ills.  So fuckin is basically your manhood.  In the black community, you always must project that you “beatin it up” and “keep it pimpin’.”   Every black man takes pride in his ability to “slang that wood” and satisfy not one woman, but multiple women.

So for Barack, who has chosen to play the role of the “Golden Boy” will have to do the impossible and avoid scandal at all cost.  If he gets caught two timin’ Michelle, this could have a detrimental impact on his legacy, the black community and any black man who aspires to a position of leadership (if you don’t believe me, ask Jesse “stop fuckin with them hos” Jackson, Kobe “I like a little booty hole” Bryant, and Kwame “Textual Seduction” Kilpatrick).

But don’t be surprised if some stuff involving Mr. Obama with his hand in the cookie jar ends up coming out, if not before November, after. 

So Mr. Obama, I want to offer you a little unsolicited advice…put yo’ wang on ice until your eight years are up sir.  You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, now you gotta stick to the script.  Because everything done in the dark, does come to light.  You know the other woman will not keep the fact that she was blowin yo socks off a secret.  She will tell someone, and these skeezers now write books detailing the number of veins in your wood. 

You don’t want to be the first president to go through a “baby mama drama” while in office.  Because I think Michelle will leave you, after she shanks yo’ ass.  Just a thought fam. 

Cav Out.